I started shopping for wedding dresses this weekend. The strangest thing happened: I expected to feel giddy and excited, maybe the way I did when I was eight shopping for my birthday dress — but I didn’t.

I didn’t because this period is so romanticized (and socially scripted) for women. This is “supposed” to be a time of fun, joy, extravagant spending, and excitement. This weekend it occurred to me that I am no longer in the fantasy; I am in reality. Being in reality means confronting the shadow side of the fantasy.

The fantasy was that I would ‘propose’ to my girlfriends to be my bridesmaids with extravagant gift boxes; that I would have bachelorette parties and bridal showers with outfits planned for each event and the right amount of stress accompanying each selection. And finally, I would go wedding dress shopping with my friends and find the dress that would make either me or my mother tear up.

All those fantasies have shadows: that I would live in one place long enough for all the friends who are special to me to easily join me to shop for a dress; that I would have enough money for all the gifts, the trips, and a wedding dress that is at least $1,000.

Right now, that’s not my life. I live an ocean away from my mother and childhood friends. I am navigating a career shift. I have enough money to support myself, but figuring out this shift means accepting some financial insecurity. Financial insecurity is certainly not part of the wedding fantasy, even though it’s an ongoing reality of being an adult.

I wish I were writing this with a silver lining, but right now I am sitting in the shadow of the fantasy and I feel like throwing myself to the ground and having a tantrum. I feel angry at myself that I couldn’t make the fantasy come together.

I wish I could end with a silver lining. For now, I can’t see it or feel it — so I can’t write it.